We have a baby! or It's My Blog and I'll Cry if I Want To...

Wow, do I have conflicting emotions writing this post! I am extremely pleased and blessed to announce that Robert Paul S. made his appearance into the world early Sunday morning at 3:14 am! He weighed 7 lbs., 8.3 oz. and is 20 in. long. He has a head full of dark hair! Birth went smoothly, and I pushed for about an hour. I will write up his birth story for another post, because I need to get out the 'rest of the story'!

We were ready to walk out the door--pretty literally--yesterday when they came to tell us that Robbie needed to stay at the hospital because his bilirubin levels were high. Now, mind you, I've been very pleased with the service here at the hospital, from moment one. The only complaint I have would start right now, and I understand HOW and WHY, so I'm not complaining other than from the standpoint of a new mommy who has never had to have a baby stay longer than I did. I knew he was being checked for jaundice because he had the little bandaids on his heels. I could tell that the whites of his eyes were a tad yellow, as was the inside of his mouth. He wasn't eating the best, but I was told by everyone not to worry too much about that because I was attempting to feed him, and that was the important part. In hindsight, I should have asked about his bilirubin levels being checked, but I didn't.

So even the pediatrician making rounds gave no indication that he would need to stay longer, just that his level needed to be checked, and that they'd come back and let me know. I was just SHOCKED. I was ready to walk out the door and get on with my life, happily! And then they said no. The logical part of me says this is not that big of a deal, but the hormonal postpartum part of me was devastated. Chris was up pacing the floor, and that made me feel like he was ready to bolt, so I finally told him to sit. After talking it over, we decided he'd go on home and get some stuff done and that maybe I'd come home overnight. Then things started getting crazy here on the floor--LOTS of people coming in and having babies!--and thankfully, a nurse said that if I wanted to have a room to come back to, I better stay here overnight.

So Chris brought the boys back to see me....who were pretty wild, understandably, since their routine world has been thrown upside down since Saturday...and mom, my sister, and my sister's best buddy came to see me. That made the evening pass much faster and kept my mind off things. I've been pumping and my milk is coming in nicely, so it makes me feel better that he's still getting MY milk in addition to some supplementing. I have gotten to feed him myself twice, which makes it all worthwhile.

I did fine until about 4 am when I woke up just wide awake. I tried to lay there and get back to sleep, but there's nothing doing. I went ahead and pumped some more milk for him and took it down to the nursery.

OH, and add to this that I had a filling break last night about midnight!!! So when/how/etc. to get that fixed (and I really really dislike visiting the dentist) is added to the stress mix!

I so want to be able to take him home today and I am pretty certain that it isn't gonna happen. For my mental health, I know I've got to get out of this hospital, at least for a while. I know my warning signs for depression and I'm there. I can't stop crying and feel pretty desperate. So if you are reading this and could take a minute and say a quick prayer for me, I really would appreciate it. Though I do NOT want to leave him here, I also know that staying here another night alone is not reasonable for me. We're going to have to make some decisions if he does have to stay.

Like I said, I KNOW that this is not that big of a deal. We're here at the hospital, I have somewhere to stay, he's still healthy and this is a minor glitch. But for anyone who has dealt with depression, you know what I mean when I say this is a HUGE deal. The panic I'm feeling is very real. I know that God is with me and I have the support of my family. But having sat at the house alone all day for 2 weeks before dealing with this has taken its toll. I have known the feeling of being desperate for the sun to come up, and it is not a good one. Again, I ask you to please pray that we can easily get through this cause God is who is in control, and I do know that.

I don't have a sweet and cheery way to tie this up and be super happy. I wish I did. I'm more of the mind of "I've had enough". So hopefully I can come back in a few hours and say we're going home with a biliblanket, and this yuckiness is over. I really really pray that this is what we'll be able to do!