Anxiety infomercial

Anxiety: a commercial 

Announcer (let's call him Jim): 🎙️Now it's time for another Christi's Keeepin' It Real mental health-related post! As always, please feel free to scroll on past! 🎙️

(applause) 

Christi: (taking microphone from announcer) Thank you, Jim, and thanks, everyone, for tuning in!
Today, let's learn something new about anxiety!! It can take on so many forms! In fact, TODAY'S special on anxiety is the well-worn and well-known situation where your BRAIN decides to remind you of mistakes or slights from YEARS ago! (oohs and ahhs from the audience) Yes, that's right! If I even slightly offended you 15 years ago--or even THINK I MIGHT have, then YOU, TOO, might have been in my brain RENT FREE! (pause again for oohs and ahhs)
Now, folks, I know that this sounds tempting and maybe even fun, but (lowers and slows voice) I hope that you will never experience this. (groans from the audience) Yes, yes, I know...I thought it might be fun before *I* tried it, but the side effects---folks, those side effects--they are not worth it. (cameras scan for knowing nods from audience members) This causes lack of sleep, embarrassing yourself by apologizing for times the other person doesn't even remember, and even---I don't want to even mention this one, because it's so bad (lowers voice to a whisper)--feeling paranoid. (sharp intake of breath from several audience members)
I hate to disappoint you, audience, but the fact is: some of you may never understand this. (shakes head) SO! My intention here may not be clear, but on order to distract myself AND educate you, I made this little commercial. I DO hope it brought you some awareness and pleasure! (audience clapping) Thanks for tuning in, and don't forget to tip your waitstaff! (continued applause) Thank you! Thank you! We'll be here all week! 🎙️
(fade to black)