Thanksgiving--

I could write so much....


So many blessings, so many things to be thankful for....


Instead, insomnia and anxiety are rocking my world early this morning. I miss August so much, and tomorrow is gonna be hard without her there. She'll be there in spirit, I know, but it will also be like the elephant in the room that no one wants to mention for fear that we'll all break down. And in MY mind it is made even more difficult by it not being held at my sister's house like usual. I'm not sure who made that decision or why, and that really isn't my concern. I just hate that on top of being uncomfortable because we're all missing her, we (at least me) are/am gonna be uncomfortable because it isn't like 'home'. Then I start thinking how selfish I'm being--dwelling on things I cannot control instead of the many things I am being blessed with each day....


ah, hormones and a cold to boot, add to my pitiful saga.

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!

I hate being down. I really want to just jump out of my skin and go walk around Wal-Mart or something. I don't even want to be me right this minute. I hate that I don't feel like I can verbalize this to anyone because I don't want to upset anyone else. I hate sitting in the dark crying because a beautiful life was lost to us, though I know she is in Heaven now with her Mawmaw who she loved so much.

So durn it, not a happy lovely life is great and I'm having a baby post today. I'm certainly thankful....in a way that I haven't had to be before, thankful that I, at 36, am just now having to deal with the death of someone I love at such a young age, in such a senseless way. Thankful that I have been lucky enough to NOT wreck my car when I was driving and very upset. Thankful that my boys have their Mama to hug and kiss each day. Thankful that I get to see them grow up one more day. Thankful that I have a husband who I love dearly, who loves me as well, and who I trust more than I trust myself. Thankful that I've always known how loved I am. Thankful for the 'breaks' and opportunities I've had in life. VERY thankful for having known and shared with August. So thankful for that last prayer we had together, and that she followed His leading to come to me that night. THAT I will hold in my heart forever, along with her last hug, and words: "Be careful. I love you."

The words "...and I'll cling to the old rugged cross..." have become more real to me over the past few months. I've been clinging to my Savior more than I ever have before, in a desperation I've never felt before. He is my Solid Rock and my hope when I don't know how I'm gonna put another foot in front of the other. His love lifts me up and fills me up. I'm so very thankful for the relationship I have with Him, more so than anything in this world, for if it wasn't for that....though I love my husband and sons so, so dearly....if it weren't for Jesus holding me up, I couldn't make it. I am powerless on my own.

I do feel better for having gotten all this out. Thank you if you read it, and I am sorry if it brought you down....know that it has helped me to look UP in hope!

I miss you

Tonight, your mama said to me, "Thank you for taking care of her...."

But that is what family does. I'll never forget the day that my sister and your uncle got married. Bryan and I accidentally left you as we walked down the aisle. I didn't even realize it until we were to the narthex, and I was mortified! I thought sure I had either scarred you for life or messed up the whole wedding. Then when the pictures came back, there you were, grinning (as always) walking along with your uncle Dennis and Suzy. Always happy go lucky. Always resilient. Always finding a way to smile.

And that day as you all left...I was sick with the flu and didn't even make it to the reception....your mama said, "Welcome to the family!" and I have never been so honored, and never have I felt so loved by a family that CHOSE to call me their own.

Whether we were playing games on the floor on Thanksgiving or teasing each other about who had had their hair more colors lately, you were always my friend. Even when I probably wasn't the best friend to you, you were always caring to me.

You took pictures of my baby Isaac on his first day of preschool when I had to go to work. You made my boys' birthday cakes. You even spilled cupcakes all over your car trying to get them to me! That's a friend, I'll tell ya!

I'm so glad that we had that great conversation a week before you had to go to Heaven. I'm so glad that you followed your instincts to come pray with me. You don't know how humbled I felt that you had come to share that with me. I was thinking just minutes before I heard that horrible news about after Meadow was first born and we didn't know yet if I was having a boy or a girl, that you had lots of girl clothes to share if I needed them! Mom has a picture of us all that day...so happy.

I was so blessed by you, August. I've been attending events at Holston View my entire life, and never have I seen such a crowd as I did tonight. You were loved by so many. We all hate that your life ended so soon. I know you're happy there with your Mawmaw, though you miss your babies. I know that the last thing you wanted to do was to worry us. This happened so fast.

Know that you are loved. Know that you are missed. Know that we are all better because we knew you and were loved by you. I love you, Augie.

Wordless Wednesday--Because there ARE no words

I have to go to a funeral today for a dear friend and family member. She was killed in a car accident early Sunday morning. August was only 30 years old, and had her whole life ahead of her. She left behind many family members and friends who loved her dearly, but most importantly, left behind two precious children who will have to grow up with out a Mommy.

Please remember August's family members and friends in your prayers, esp. those who will be attending her services tonight. My father will assist with the service and my sister is singing as part of the trio she sings with at our church.

I'm heartbroken and anxious today. In a few minutes I go back to the school where I last saw her on Friday, and where her children attend. Given my already emotional hormonal state, this is not going to be easy.

I love you, Augie, and miss you so much.