Doing something new

I'm going full force! I created a page today on Facebook for my blog and officially changed the name! If this is your first time here, welcome! I'm glad to see you! I made somewhat of an introduction a few posts down, so please feel free to read it. What would you like to see here? I'm open to suggestions!!

Here goes nothing!

I've been inspired! I'm gonna take this blogging stuff up again, but with a little different audience and mission this time. Whereas before this blog was 'A Whole Lotta Nothing Much', I'm going to change the focus. Instead of the random life of a working Christian wife and mama, now I'm going to focus more on what I feel God left me here on Earth to do when I had a failed suicide attempt at 16. Since that day, even when it wasn't the popular or easy thing to do, I've been about doing all I can in my corner of the world to change the stigma of mental health problems.

You see, I don't have a sad childhood story. I grew up in a happy, middle-class household. I was treated well. I had friends and family members who loved me and showed me how much they loved me.

However, mental illness does not discriminate. The demons of depression and anxiety didn't care that I had the outward appearance of having it all together. They started lying to me when I was in middle school. I had no idea what anxiety and depression really were then, but I knew there was something that wasn't quite right.

Yes, there were some life circumstances that contributed to my TRUE cry for help the night I swallowed 15 sleeping pills. We, as in my family and I, were to soon learn that I had a chemical imbalance, and that there was little that could be blamed on anything more than my brain. I started medication and continued therapy and went along pretty well until I had my next depressive episode at 20. Again, yes, some life circumstances didn't help anything. But that time I decided that if I needed to take antidepressants for the rest of my days, so be it. And so be it, it has, barring the first trimester of each of my 3 pregnancies.

I won't tell the whole tale today. I do intend to. God has me here for a purpose, or maybe several purposes, and this is one of them.

Before I end, let me say thank you if you read this. Some call me brave....I'm not sure if I am brave or just stubborn and tired of not telling my truth. It is all we have in this world that we can take with us, you know...our truth and love.

If you need someone, don't be afraid to reach out. Depression can kill you. Don't let it be your death sentence. People care. I care!

God bless.

New Year's Resolution

I hesitate to even say what I want to resolve to do this year, because to some, it may seem selfish. However, I have come to realize that sometimes in order to be the best mommy and wife that I can be, I have to be a little selfish and realize that I have to take care of ME sometimes, too.

I am very proud of my husband and older sons in that they have worked very hard over the past 2 + years, and have worked their way up to the black belt level of Tae Kwon Do. In that time period, I have also completed my Master's Degree, started a new itinerant job that has changed locations each year, had a pregnancy with complications, and given birth to a baby and helped raise him to this point. There have been many nights...normally 2-3 a week...that I have taken care of at least one child by myself so that Chris could be in classes. I do not begrudge him this, but I do believe that it is time for ME to get some ME time as well!

I fight depression and anxiety constantly, and also have fibromyalgia. So taking care of ME helps me to stay healthy and well, and I am therefore able to care for my family and do my best work in my job and Christian witness. If I do not give myself some time away from my work and home life, I find myself becoming more agitated and depressed.

My husband and I started a weight loss regimen this time last year and we have done well on it. Before the holidays, Chris had lost almost 50 pounds, and I had lost 15-20, fluctuating as women often do! So I also want to get back on track and lose the rest of the weight that I have hanging on from birthing children!

Given the above reasons, I am going to work on asking myself,"Is it good for ME?" this year. If it does not contribute to my mental, physical, and spiritual health, I am going to work on cutting it out of my life. That may mean that I have to say no to some things that I used to say yes to, in order to make others happy. I am realizing as I quickly approach my 40s that *I* count, too. I cannot make everyone happy, and I have to live with myself 24 hours a day, whereas these people that I try to make happy are NOT with me all day, every day. If they are unhappy with me, it will pass. If I live in a manner that makes ME unhappy and unhealthy, I have to live with it all the time.

So there it is...2012 will be the year I ask myself,"Is it good for ME?" I will try to do this in a way that is not self-centered, but is done in order to serve my Lord, my family, and my own health and sanity in the best way possible.

I just about asked,"What do you think?!" LOL Yes, I am curious if anyone reading this thinks it makes sense, but first and foremost, I am focusing on the internal peace that I am feeling now that I have actually decided to take care of ME, for a change!! So here is to a new year!! I believe it will be a great one!!

Tuesday Toot!

Its been a long time since I've had a week that I so felt like I could toot my own horn! BUT....I got on the Wii Fit yesterday for the first time since finding out Robbie was coming along. Guess what it said?!


It said that now, 6 weeks after delivering my precious baby boy, I weigh 12 pounds less than I did when I last 'signed on'! Insert happy dance here!

I'm usually bad about 'pooh poohing' people when they comment about me losing the baby weight, but you know what?! I must have done SOMETHING right in this....even if I didn't necessarily exercise and count my calories all through the pregnancy! So yeah, I did good! There! I said it! I'm not sure I could replicate the results, but guess what?! I don't want to anyway! LOL

I had already realized just by how my clothing fit that I was smaller than I was summer before last, but it looks like I'm smaller than I was last summer, too! I love it! Now I want to take this and run with it, and get back down to an even more comfortable size. It is sure to help the fibro, too!

Speaking of the fibro, I have had some minor pains here and there both during the pregnancy and afterward, but it certainly hasn't been daily pain. I'm still not on any pain meds, which I'm loving! If I can keep this weight off and maybe lose some more, maybe I will be able to control the pain that I have intermittently with OTC drugs! How wonderful would that be?!

I am still on the antidepressants, and my OB/GYN gave me clearance yesterday to re-start the anti-anxiety drug I was taking before Robbie came along. Yes, I'm nursing, but both these drugs are considered very safe. And it is more healthy for me to be HAPPY for Robbie than anything. I firmly believe that....not to mention my older two boys and my husband!

So there's an update....gotta run get little man and myself dressed and packed up to head to my next to last graduate class (not the next to last WEEK, but it is coming!)

Thanksgiving--

I could write so much....


So many blessings, so many things to be thankful for....


Instead, insomnia and anxiety are rocking my world early this morning. I miss August so much, and tomorrow is gonna be hard without her there. She'll be there in spirit, I know, but it will also be like the elephant in the room that no one wants to mention for fear that we'll all break down. And in MY mind it is made even more difficult by it not being held at my sister's house like usual. I'm not sure who made that decision or why, and that really isn't my concern. I just hate that on top of being uncomfortable because we're all missing her, we (at least me) are/am gonna be uncomfortable because it isn't like 'home'. Then I start thinking how selfish I'm being--dwelling on things I cannot control instead of the many things I am being blessed with each day....


ah, hormones and a cold to boot, add to my pitiful saga.

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!

I hate being down. I really want to just jump out of my skin and go walk around Wal-Mart or something. I don't even want to be me right this minute. I hate that I don't feel like I can verbalize this to anyone because I don't want to upset anyone else. I hate sitting in the dark crying because a beautiful life was lost to us, though I know she is in Heaven now with her Mawmaw who she loved so much.

So durn it, not a happy lovely life is great and I'm having a baby post today. I'm certainly thankful....in a way that I haven't had to be before, thankful that I, at 36, am just now having to deal with the death of someone I love at such a young age, in such a senseless way. Thankful that I have been lucky enough to NOT wreck my car when I was driving and very upset. Thankful that my boys have their Mama to hug and kiss each day. Thankful that I get to see them grow up one more day. Thankful that I have a husband who I love dearly, who loves me as well, and who I trust more than I trust myself. Thankful that I've always known how loved I am. Thankful for the 'breaks' and opportunities I've had in life. VERY thankful for having known and shared with August. So thankful for that last prayer we had together, and that she followed His leading to come to me that night. THAT I will hold in my heart forever, along with her last hug, and words: "Be careful. I love you."

The words "...and I'll cling to the old rugged cross..." have become more real to me over the past few months. I've been clinging to my Savior more than I ever have before, in a desperation I've never felt before. He is my Solid Rock and my hope when I don't know how I'm gonna put another foot in front of the other. His love lifts me up and fills me up. I'm so very thankful for the relationship I have with Him, more so than anything in this world, for if it wasn't for that....though I love my husband and sons so, so dearly....if it weren't for Jesus holding me up, I couldn't make it. I am powerless on my own.

I do feel better for having gotten all this out. Thank you if you read it, and I am sorry if it brought you down....know that it has helped me to look UP in hope!

I'm anxious tonight

For no apparent reason....I'm not exactly sure why. I have my ideas about why, but voicing them at this point will only make it worse I'm afraid. Suffice it to say it is the same type stuff I blogged about yesterday.

I mentioned on Twitter that I was feeling this way, so my friend Heather says that she reads Psalms when she is feeling this way. She mentioned Psalm 27 in particular. I'm gonna share it here to help calm myself down, and then if someone reading it needs to see it, I will have shared it with someone else in need as well!

Psalm 27

Light, space, zest--
that's God!
So with him on my side I'm fearless,
afraid of no one and nothing.

When vandal hordes ride down
ready to eat me alive,
Those bullies and toughs
fall flat on their faces.

When besieged,
I'm calm as a bay.
When all hell breaks loose,
I'm collected and cool.

I'm asking God for one thing,
only one thing:

To live with Him in His house
my whole life long.
I'll contemplate his beauty,
I'll study at his feet.

That's the only quiet, secure place
in a noisy world.
The perfect getaway,
far from the buzz of traffic.

God holds me head and shoulders
above all who try to pull me down.
I'm headed for his place to offer anthems
that will raise the roof!
Already I'm singing God-songs,
I'm making music to God.

Listen, God, I'm calling at the top of my lungs:
"Be good to me! Answer me!"
When my heart whispered,"Seek God,"
my whole being replied,
"I'm seeking him!"
Don't hide from me now!

You've always been right there for me;
don't turn your back on me now.
Don't throw me out, don't abandon me,
you've always kept the door open.
My father and mother walked out and left me,
but God took me in.

Point me down your highway, God,
direct me along a well-lighted street;
show my enemies whose side you're on.
Don't throw me to the dogs,
those liars who are out to get me,
filling the air with their threats.

I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness
in the exuberant earth.
Stay with God!
Take heart. Don't quit.
I'll say it again:
Stay with God.