A year ago this week, I had an emergency appendectomy.
But see, it didn't have to be an emergency thing.
Life with Fibromyalgia: people don't believe you are in pain!
I had stomach pain and stayed in bed all weekend the weekend before, and missed school on Monday. I went to the doctor, who thought I might hall gall stones in the bile duct. She sent me for a CT. The CT showed that it was not gall stones (by the way, I had had my gall bladder removed 6 years ago), but that I might have appendicitis. The pain continued all week, but being that I live my life in pain, I just kept going.
What choice do I have?? I have to work, I have three kids, I have obligations!
So my doctor made a referral to Gastroenterology. They were able to get me in on Friday morning, so I high tailed it out of Duffield, where I work, and headed to the appointment. There, the gastro doctor told me that he had no idea why they sent me to him, that I needed to see a surgeon instead. He called surgery, and there was an appointment made for me later that afternoon.
This is where things started to go wrong.
I saw the same surgeon that had done my gallbladder removal. That, in and of itself, was not a problem. However, I started to have neurological symptoms that might or might not be related to Multiple Sclerosis after that surgery, so I was leery, to say the least.
I wasn't thrilled from the moment that he came in the room. Did he start out talking about my appendix? Nope! He started lecturing me about my blood glucose levels! Now granted, they were not the lowest, but only ONE of those had been taking when I had fasted. My primary care doctor, who is excellent, has never been concerned, so I don't worry about it. But this surgeon who had seen me twice in the last 6 years thought that more important than my painful appendix. Whatever.
Finally he got around to discussing my pain. He was not going to operate. If I was still in pain on Monday, I was supposed to call him. He told me that if I got worse to come to Indian Path, where he was on call. He basically dismissed me because I didn't look like I was in enough pain.
Fibromyalgia, folks. I live with pain. I function with pain. I present as though I am not in pain because that is what I am used to doing day in and day out. This time, it caused me to have to go to the ER on a Saturday night.
Where they were also ready to send me home because they didn't see me in a lot of pain. Thankfully the doctor intervened and said he would operate on me the next morning unless I REALLY wanted him to do it tonight. My husband, bless his sweet heart, intervened and said he would operate tonight. For those who don't know my husband, he is 6'3" and presents a pretty imposing presence, and is a 4th degree black belt in taekwondo! So I headed to the operating room at midnight December 9th/10th. I was back home in less than 24 hours.
By the way, Mr. Surgeon told me in his surprised voice when I went to my followup appointment that I DID, in fact, have appendicitis. Whaddaya know?!
Showing posts with label fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Year's Resolution
I hesitate to even say what I want to resolve to do this year, because to some, it may seem selfish. However, I have come to realize that sometimes in order to be the best mommy and wife that I can be, I have to be a little selfish and realize that I have to take care of ME sometimes, too.
I am very proud of my husband and older sons in that they have worked very hard over the past 2 + years, and have worked their way up to the black belt level of Tae Kwon Do. In that time period, I have also completed my Master's Degree, started a new itinerant job that has changed locations each year, had a pregnancy with complications, and given birth to a baby and helped raise him to this point. There have been many nights...normally 2-3 a week...that I have taken care of at least one child by myself so that Chris could be in classes. I do not begrudge him this, but I do believe that it is time for ME to get some ME time as well!
I fight depression and anxiety constantly, and also have fibromyalgia. So taking care of ME helps me to stay healthy and well, and I am therefore able to care for my family and do my best work in my job and Christian witness. If I do not give myself some time away from my work and home life, I find myself becoming more agitated and depressed.
My husband and I started a weight loss regimen this time last year and we have done well on it. Before the holidays, Chris had lost almost 50 pounds, and I had lost 15-20, fluctuating as women often do! So I also want to get back on track and lose the rest of the weight that I have hanging on from birthing children!
Given the above reasons, I am going to work on asking myself,"Is it good for ME?" this year. If it does not contribute to my mental, physical, and spiritual health, I am going to work on cutting it out of my life. That may mean that I have to say no to some things that I used to say yes to, in order to make others happy. I am realizing as I quickly approach my 40s that *I* count, too. I cannot make everyone happy, and I have to live with myself 24 hours a day, whereas these people that I try to make happy are NOT with me all day, every day. If they are unhappy with me, it will pass. If I live in a manner that makes ME unhappy and unhealthy, I have to live with it all the time.
So there it is...2012 will be the year I ask myself,"Is it good for ME?" I will try to do this in a way that is not self-centered, but is done in order to serve my Lord, my family, and my own health and sanity in the best way possible.
I just about asked,"What do you think?!" LOL Yes, I am curious if anyone reading this thinks it makes sense, but first and foremost, I am focusing on the internal peace that I am feeling now that I have actually decided to take care of ME, for a change!! So here is to a new year!! I believe it will be a great one!!
I am very proud of my husband and older sons in that they have worked very hard over the past 2 + years, and have worked their way up to the black belt level of Tae Kwon Do. In that time period, I have also completed my Master's Degree, started a new itinerant job that has changed locations each year, had a pregnancy with complications, and given birth to a baby and helped raise him to this point. There have been many nights...normally 2-3 a week...that I have taken care of at least one child by myself so that Chris could be in classes. I do not begrudge him this, but I do believe that it is time for ME to get some ME time as well!
I fight depression and anxiety constantly, and also have fibromyalgia. So taking care of ME helps me to stay healthy and well, and I am therefore able to care for my family and do my best work in my job and Christian witness. If I do not give myself some time away from my work and home life, I find myself becoming more agitated and depressed.
My husband and I started a weight loss regimen this time last year and we have done well on it. Before the holidays, Chris had lost almost 50 pounds, and I had lost 15-20, fluctuating as women often do! So I also want to get back on track and lose the rest of the weight that I have hanging on from birthing children!
Given the above reasons, I am going to work on asking myself,"Is it good for ME?" this year. If it does not contribute to my mental, physical, and spiritual health, I am going to work on cutting it out of my life. That may mean that I have to say no to some things that I used to say yes to, in order to make others happy. I am realizing as I quickly approach my 40s that *I* count, too. I cannot make everyone happy, and I have to live with myself 24 hours a day, whereas these people that I try to make happy are NOT with me all day, every day. If they are unhappy with me, it will pass. If I live in a manner that makes ME unhappy and unhealthy, I have to live with it all the time.
So there it is...2012 will be the year I ask myself,"Is it good for ME?" I will try to do this in a way that is not self-centered, but is done in order to serve my Lord, my family, and my own health and sanity in the best way possible.
I just about asked,"What do you think?!" LOL Yes, I am curious if anyone reading this thinks it makes sense, but first and foremost, I am focusing on the internal peace that I am feeling now that I have actually decided to take care of ME, for a change!! So here is to a new year!! I believe it will be a great one!!
Friday, September 16, 2011
It's my blog, and I'll whine if I want to....
Oh, mercy, reader! The busy-ness! The stress! I'm one tired mama. Why, then, am I up writing on here before 6 am?
Because my body is not cooperating, and neither is my 17 month old son.
Here's the deal...the shorter version. I'm not sure there is a short version!
I'm a Reading Specialist here in our little county. I'm one of 4 full-time specialists, and one part time. We serve 7 elementary schools, and are focusing particularly on K-2 in these schools. The Commonwealth of Virginia requires each school to give each of the K-2 students a phonics assessment each fall and spring. This is something that is mostly done individually with the students. As you can imagine, this isn't an easy task for a classroom teacher when trying to also teach skills to the rest of the class. I know that first hand, because I was in the classroom for 12 years and had to try to give this individual assessment to one kid while keeping the rest of the students engaged and learning. Not a good situation for the teacher, the child being tested, or the rest of the class. So to remedy this situation and save the learning time for the students, we Reading Specialists were commissioned (not the right word here, I know, but it works...remember, it isn't 6 am yet....)to do the testing for all the schools in the county. Sounds like a good plan, right?
Right!
And it is a good plan! I firmly believe that! I think it has saved the sanity of the classroom teachers and has been one thing off their plates, letting them focus on teaching the students instead of keeping them occupied while assessing one. It has not, however, been easy on the four of us who were testing. Is it worth it? Yes, I am sure it is. Does everyone in the county think so? I'm sure they don't. But I know that I have been doing, to the best of my ability, what I can to ensure that the students in these grades have been being TAUGHT and not occupied. Does that make sense?
Anyway, we've done a good part of it! We got all students in 1st and 2nd grade tested! Hundreds of 'em! Every day, we went into our assigned school and hit the ground running. We would listen to one child read word lists and read stories, and make sure that we had assessed the level at which each was reading according to this assessment. We would take a break for lunch whenever the grade with which we were working took lunch, and then hit it again. No planning period. A bathroom break here or there. But we worked, ya'll. HARD. I promise you that!
It may not sound like this is tiring work, and compared to manual labor, it isn't! However, it does get very mundane. Sitting in one position all day, listening to the same words and sentences being read over and over is very mundane. It is also hard on a body, especially a body that has FIBROMYALGIA! This has sent me into a flare, the worst I've had in at least 2 years.
When you add to this the fact that I have also had two sick children in the midst, you can see where I'm going, maybe. And the fact that one of those children is the 17 month old who doesn't have wonderful sleep patterns anyway, and it becomes even more clear.
I've been fighting aches and pains, and pains and aches, and stress. Stress that people were badmouthing and not understanding how hard we were working. Stress that someone was thinking we weren't doing our job, despite the fact that we were working at what our supervisor thought was most important for us to be doing. Stress of the every day life of being a wife and mother to two school-aged children who have homework. Stress of getting one back and forth to football games and practice, and two sons and a husband back and forth from TaeKwonDo classes. Stress of regular family activities. You get it by now, I'm sure. My body is not happy. It is saying STOP!! And my mind is still running at top speed.
So when Robbie wakes up in the middle of the night wanting to nurse (another subject for another day....) and I really want him to go back to sleep, my body doesn't always work it out for me. I feed him, or he screams, or whatever. That part isn't the point. He eventually goes back to sleep, and I don't. See, insomnia is a part of fibro, too. So the last three nights, when Robbie has woken up, he's gone right back to sleep, but I haven't.
I'm exhausted, and I don't see where the end comes. I don't see where I'm gonna get rest, and I'm trying not to be overwhelmed, but I am. It makes me feel panicky. I know that God is with me and is helping me and if it weren't for Him I cannot IMAGINE the shape I'd be in. But here I am. And I'm tired, and I want sleep. And I can't seem to get it.
So there it is. My whine. If you read it, thanks. Some extra prayers my way would be greatly appreciated.
My alarm just went off. I'm far from thrilled! :) TGIF, right?!
Because my body is not cooperating, and neither is my 17 month old son.
Here's the deal...the shorter version. I'm not sure there is a short version!
I'm a Reading Specialist here in our little county. I'm one of 4 full-time specialists, and one part time. We serve 7 elementary schools, and are focusing particularly on K-2 in these schools. The Commonwealth of Virginia requires each school to give each of the K-2 students a phonics assessment each fall and spring. This is something that is mostly done individually with the students. As you can imagine, this isn't an easy task for a classroom teacher when trying to also teach skills to the rest of the class. I know that first hand, because I was in the classroom for 12 years and had to try to give this individual assessment to one kid while keeping the rest of the students engaged and learning. Not a good situation for the teacher, the child being tested, or the rest of the class. So to remedy this situation and save the learning time for the students, we Reading Specialists were commissioned (not the right word here, I know, but it works...remember, it isn't 6 am yet....)to do the testing for all the schools in the county. Sounds like a good plan, right?
Right!
And it is a good plan! I firmly believe that! I think it has saved the sanity of the classroom teachers and has been one thing off their plates, letting them focus on teaching the students instead of keeping them occupied while assessing one. It has not, however, been easy on the four of us who were testing. Is it worth it? Yes, I am sure it is. Does everyone in the county think so? I'm sure they don't. But I know that I have been doing, to the best of my ability, what I can to ensure that the students in these grades have been being TAUGHT and not occupied. Does that make sense?
Anyway, we've done a good part of it! We got all students in 1st and 2nd grade tested! Hundreds of 'em! Every day, we went into our assigned school and hit the ground running. We would listen to one child read word lists and read stories, and make sure that we had assessed the level at which each was reading according to this assessment. We would take a break for lunch whenever the grade with which we were working took lunch, and then hit it again. No planning period. A bathroom break here or there. But we worked, ya'll. HARD. I promise you that!
It may not sound like this is tiring work, and compared to manual labor, it isn't! However, it does get very mundane. Sitting in one position all day, listening to the same words and sentences being read over and over is very mundane. It is also hard on a body, especially a body that has FIBROMYALGIA! This has sent me into a flare, the worst I've had in at least 2 years.
When you add to this the fact that I have also had two sick children in the midst, you can see where I'm going, maybe. And the fact that one of those children is the 17 month old who doesn't have wonderful sleep patterns anyway, and it becomes even more clear.
I've been fighting aches and pains, and pains and aches, and stress. Stress that people were badmouthing and not understanding how hard we were working. Stress that someone was thinking we weren't doing our job, despite the fact that we were working at what our supervisor thought was most important for us to be doing. Stress of the every day life of being a wife and mother to two school-aged children who have homework. Stress of getting one back and forth to football games and practice, and two sons and a husband back and forth from TaeKwonDo classes. Stress of regular family activities. You get it by now, I'm sure. My body is not happy. It is saying STOP!! And my mind is still running at top speed.
So when Robbie wakes up in the middle of the night wanting to nurse (another subject for another day....) and I really want him to go back to sleep, my body doesn't always work it out for me. I feed him, or he screams, or whatever. That part isn't the point. He eventually goes back to sleep, and I don't. See, insomnia is a part of fibro, too. So the last three nights, when Robbie has woken up, he's gone right back to sleep, but I haven't.
I'm exhausted, and I don't see where the end comes. I don't see where I'm gonna get rest, and I'm trying not to be overwhelmed, but I am. It makes me feel panicky. I know that God is with me and is helping me and if it weren't for Him I cannot IMAGINE the shape I'd be in. But here I am. And I'm tired, and I want sleep. And I can't seem to get it.
So there it is. My whine. If you read it, thanks. Some extra prayers my way would be greatly appreciated.
My alarm just went off. I'm far from thrilled! :) TGIF, right?!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Tuesday Toot!
Its been a long time since I've had a week that I so felt like I could toot my own horn! BUT....I got on the Wii Fit yesterday for the first time since finding out Robbie was coming along. Guess what it said?!
It said that now, 6 weeks after delivering my precious baby boy, I weigh 12 pounds less than I did when I last 'signed on'! Insert happy dance here!
I'm usually bad about 'pooh poohing' people when they comment about me losing the baby weight, but you know what?! I must have done SOMETHING right in this....even if I didn't necessarily exercise and count my calories all through the pregnancy! So yeah, I did good! There! I said it! I'm not sure I could replicate the results, but guess what?! I don't want to anyway! LOL
I had already realized just by how my clothing fit that I was smaller than I was summer before last, but it looks like I'm smaller than I was last summer, too! I love it! Now I want to take this and run with it, and get back down to an even more comfortable size. It is sure to help the fibro, too!
Speaking of the fibro, I have had some minor pains here and there both during the pregnancy and afterward, but it certainly hasn't been daily pain. I'm still not on any pain meds, which I'm loving! If I can keep this weight off and maybe lose some more, maybe I will be able to control the pain that I have intermittently with OTC drugs! How wonderful would that be?!
I am still on the antidepressants, and my OB/GYN gave me clearance yesterday to re-start the anti-anxiety drug I was taking before Robbie came along. Yes, I'm nursing, but both these drugs are considered very safe. And it is more healthy for me to be HAPPY for Robbie than anything. I firmly believe that....not to mention my older two boys and my husband!
So there's an update....gotta run get little man and myself dressed and packed up to head to my next to last graduate class (not the next to last WEEK, but it is coming!)
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
It just gets old
It gets frustrating to have plans, and then be hit out of the blue by some physical symptom that leaves you not feeling like doing what you'd planned. I HAVE to go on during the school year, but when I didn't HAVE to go work at one of my schools today, I had to change the plans I'd shared with my 5 year old. He was disappointed, but with stomach cramps and runs to the restroom, I just didn't feel as though it was the most opportune of times to go try to get some work done. Then in comes Isaac from a day filled with fun at day camp, upset because I now say that we might not make it to the local slushie seller.
Yes, it makes me feel like crap to let them down. But you know what? I never asked for this crap called fibromyalgia. I didn't ask to fight anxiety, depression, pain, irritable bowel, and insomnia. I didn't want to feel like I'm 80 some days at 36.
Some days the logic in me flies away and I want to scream, "Why me?? What did I do to deserve this??" It was hard enough dealing with the depression from the age of 15 or 16. Add the rest of the crud to it and it is just NOT fun. Today, it is my elbows. Who has ELBOWS that hurt?? What in the world?? I cannot imagine how I might have strained my freakin' ELBOWS! It is insane.
When I've stood on my feet all day and they hurt, I get it. When I have pain due to lack of movement or stress, I get it. But what has brought this on today? Worrying about something? Nothing? The air being cooler than normal? Who freakin' knows?!
I try not to fuss. I am trying to improve my health by getting rid of bad habits and eating better and exercise, and by stopping when I feel my limits being reached. It is when I am doing those things and I STILL hurt that I start to get frustrated. It just stinks!
Love Chris' heart, his solution is to send me to the doctor. I went yesterday for a med check. There is nothing more they can do. I have to break down and take more meds even though they sometimes make me feel loopy, and otherwise I just have to tough it out. There's nothing more to do. I guess for a man, who just wants to fix his wife's problems, that is very frustrating too. I am so blessed to have him. I folded and sorted several loads of clothes today--yes, I'll readily admit I've been putting it off--and he put them away so I could play with (read: entertain) Adam since Isaac was gone to camp today. He's a sweetheart!
This isn't even what I was blogging about earlier today. But maybe that is what has contributed, me fighting that struggle. I don't know. Whatever it is, I just wish it would GO AWAY!
Until a better day and a better mood.....
Yes, it makes me feel like crap to let them down. But you know what? I never asked for this crap called fibromyalgia. I didn't ask to fight anxiety, depression, pain, irritable bowel, and insomnia. I didn't want to feel like I'm 80 some days at 36.
Some days the logic in me flies away and I want to scream, "Why me?? What did I do to deserve this??" It was hard enough dealing with the depression from the age of 15 or 16. Add the rest of the crud to it and it is just NOT fun. Today, it is my elbows. Who has ELBOWS that hurt?? What in the world?? I cannot imagine how I might have strained my freakin' ELBOWS! It is insane.
When I've stood on my feet all day and they hurt, I get it. When I have pain due to lack of movement or stress, I get it. But what has brought this on today? Worrying about something? Nothing? The air being cooler than normal? Who freakin' knows?!
I try not to fuss. I am trying to improve my health by getting rid of bad habits and eating better and exercise, and by stopping when I feel my limits being reached. It is when I am doing those things and I STILL hurt that I start to get frustrated. It just stinks!
Love Chris' heart, his solution is to send me to the doctor. I went yesterday for a med check. There is nothing more they can do. I have to break down and take more meds even though they sometimes make me feel loopy, and otherwise I just have to tough it out. There's nothing more to do. I guess for a man, who just wants to fix his wife's problems, that is very frustrating too. I am so blessed to have him. I folded and sorted several loads of clothes today--yes, I'll readily admit I've been putting it off--and he put them away so I could play with (read: entertain) Adam since Isaac was gone to camp today. He's a sweetheart!
This isn't even what I was blogging about earlier today. But maybe that is what has contributed, me fighting that struggle. I don't know. Whatever it is, I just wish it would GO AWAY!
Until a better day and a better mood.....
Sunday, June 21, 2009
We're at the beach!
It is SOOOO nice! We're renting a really nice house that isn't but a few years old. It's funny, the internet view of this house says that it only has 3 bedrooms, so I spent weeks worrying about how in the world we were all going to fit comfortably, and come to find out the owners just say it has 3 bedrooms so they don't get huge crowds in....but the rental company tells families! So all that worrying for nothing--we've got 5 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, and are just over the dunes from the beach! I was extremely tired from going back and forth to class all week and then riding all day yesterday. We got here and I was worn out and grouchy, but thankfully I had read a Bible verse that has already helped me out a lot---one about instead of being disagreeable, blessing those with whom you disagree! So I'm sure I'm gonna do lots of blessing this week! LOL
Given the stress and fatigue level, Friday and Saturday were painful days as related to fibromyalgia. On Friday I was able to get to sleep by meditating (myself! Didn't even use guided meditation!) instead of using medication, which I always like. I'm not opposed to sleeping pills when I need them, but if I can do it naturally I not only sleep better, but feel less 'drugged' the next morning. I was quite drowsy coming down the road yesterday so I dozed on and off. I was having some hip pain so I also took a nap after we got here. This has been one of those times when having an invisible illness is difficult. When I say I don't feel well but can't give people who haven't been with me through this specifics of WHY, I feel like they think I'm either making it up or exaggerating. That is why I haven't come right out and told Chris' family members until now. I don't bring it up unless it is a problem...and yesterday it definitely was. It was affecting my mood, my emotions, and I really wasn't in the mood to be treated in a condescending manner....which sometimes happens in this crowd! I explained, in tears, to Chris why I was so frustrated and then walked by myself down the beach and back to calm down. I made a conscious effort to be more chipper when I got back and soon it was making a difference! That and God's Word resonating in my head both helped me get through the day til I could collapse in bed without being rude!
We went out to eat this morning for breakfast and then to the beach for several hours. The kids are having a ball! Isaac is LOVING using his body board to ride the waves in, and Adam has already built multiple sand castles. I got a bit too much sun on my arms and chest, but it isn't painful, so I think it will turn to tan tomorrow (I hope!)
Tonight we went to eat at a 'fine dining' restaurant. The food was good, but we were paying for quite a bit of atmosphere as the restaurant is ocean front. One good thing, though: the hostess complimented us as we left for how well-behaved all our children were! That is always nice to hear!
Right now I'm sitting on the covered porch listening to the waves break and looking out over the dunes to the shore....what a life! Chris' brother has gone to the beach to fish, and his wife, their kids, and our kids have gone out there to play and watch him. I'm loving that the boys are finally getting big enough that we don't have to hover over them as much and we can relax and enjoy ourselves more. Even our youngest nephew, though only 3.5, is getting more 'predictable', and as he is the only one we must "run after", we can take turns a bit with that.
What a blessing it is for us to be able to enjoy this time together with our families! I'm so glad to NOT have any homework hanging over my head, but I almost don't know what to do with myself, in a way! I'm sure I'll figure it out!
Given the stress and fatigue level, Friday and Saturday were painful days as related to fibromyalgia. On Friday I was able to get to sleep by meditating (myself! Didn't even use guided meditation!) instead of using medication, which I always like. I'm not opposed to sleeping pills when I need them, but if I can do it naturally I not only sleep better, but feel less 'drugged' the next morning. I was quite drowsy coming down the road yesterday so I dozed on and off. I was having some hip pain so I also took a nap after we got here. This has been one of those times when having an invisible illness is difficult. When I say I don't feel well but can't give people who haven't been with me through this specifics of WHY, I feel like they think I'm either making it up or exaggerating. That is why I haven't come right out and told Chris' family members until now. I don't bring it up unless it is a problem...and yesterday it definitely was. It was affecting my mood, my emotions, and I really wasn't in the mood to be treated in a condescending manner....which sometimes happens in this crowd! I explained, in tears, to Chris why I was so frustrated and then walked by myself down the beach and back to calm down. I made a conscious effort to be more chipper when I got back and soon it was making a difference! That and God's Word resonating in my head both helped me get through the day til I could collapse in bed without being rude!
We went out to eat this morning for breakfast and then to the beach for several hours. The kids are having a ball! Isaac is LOVING using his body board to ride the waves in, and Adam has already built multiple sand castles. I got a bit too much sun on my arms and chest, but it isn't painful, so I think it will turn to tan tomorrow (I hope!)
Tonight we went to eat at a 'fine dining' restaurant. The food was good, but we were paying for quite a bit of atmosphere as the restaurant is ocean front. One good thing, though: the hostess complimented us as we left for how well-behaved all our children were! That is always nice to hear!
Right now I'm sitting on the covered porch listening to the waves break and looking out over the dunes to the shore....what a life! Chris' brother has gone to the beach to fish, and his wife, their kids, and our kids have gone out there to play and watch him. I'm loving that the boys are finally getting big enough that we don't have to hover over them as much and we can relax and enjoy ourselves more. Even our youngest nephew, though only 3.5, is getting more 'predictable', and as he is the only one we must "run after", we can take turns a bit with that.
What a blessing it is for us to be able to enjoy this time together with our families! I'm so glad to NOT have any homework hanging over my head, but I almost don't know what to do with myself, in a way! I'm sure I'll figure it out!
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