I feel blah

If there is any emotion associated with depression that is tiresome, it is the LACK of feeling.

Even as an adult, I used to get so excited about the holidays. Now? Not so much. I don't really know why, because I can't put my finger on it!

Anyone else feel this way, or is it just me??

Here goes nothing!

I've been inspired! I'm gonna take this blogging stuff up again, but with a little different audience and mission this time. Whereas before this blog was 'A Whole Lotta Nothing Much', I'm going to change the focus. Instead of the random life of a working Christian wife and mama, now I'm going to focus more on what I feel God left me here on Earth to do when I had a failed suicide attempt at 16. Since that day, even when it wasn't the popular or easy thing to do, I've been about doing all I can in my corner of the world to change the stigma of mental health problems.

You see, I don't have a sad childhood story. I grew up in a happy, middle-class household. I was treated well. I had friends and family members who loved me and showed me how much they loved me.

However, mental illness does not discriminate. The demons of depression and anxiety didn't care that I had the outward appearance of having it all together. They started lying to me when I was in middle school. I had no idea what anxiety and depression really were then, but I knew there was something that wasn't quite right.

Yes, there were some life circumstances that contributed to my TRUE cry for help the night I swallowed 15 sleeping pills. We, as in my family and I, were to soon learn that I had a chemical imbalance, and that there was little that could be blamed on anything more than my brain. I started medication and continued therapy and went along pretty well until I had my next depressive episode at 20. Again, yes, some life circumstances didn't help anything. But that time I decided that if I needed to take antidepressants for the rest of my days, so be it. And so be it, it has, barring the first trimester of each of my 3 pregnancies.

I won't tell the whole tale today. I do intend to. God has me here for a purpose, or maybe several purposes, and this is one of them.

Before I end, let me say thank you if you read this. Some call me brave....I'm not sure if I am brave or just stubborn and tired of not telling my truth. It is all we have in this world that we can take with us, you know...our truth and love.

If you need someone, don't be afraid to reach out. Depression can kill you. Don't let it be your death sentence. People care. I care!

God bless.