Thursday, November 26, 2009


I could write so much....

So many blessings, so many things to be thankful for....

Instead, insomnia and anxiety are rocking my world early this morning. I miss August so much, and tomorrow is gonna be hard without her there. She'll be there in spirit, I know, but it will also be like the elephant in the room that no one wants to mention for fear that we'll all break down. And in MY mind it is made even more difficult by it not being held at my sister's house like usual. I'm not sure who made that decision or why, and that really isn't my concern. I just hate that on top of being uncomfortable because we're all missing her, we (at least me) are/am gonna be uncomfortable because it isn't like 'home'. Then I start thinking how selfish I'm being--dwelling on things I cannot control instead of the many things I am being blessed with each day....

ah, hormones and a cold to boot, add to my pitiful saga.

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!

I hate being down. I really want to just jump out of my skin and go walk around Wal-Mart or something. I don't even want to be me right this minute. I hate that I don't feel like I can verbalize this to anyone because I don't want to upset anyone else. I hate sitting in the dark crying because a beautiful life was lost to us, though I know she is in Heaven now with her Mawmaw who she loved so much.

So durn it, not a happy lovely life is great and I'm having a baby post today. I'm certainly a way that I haven't had to be before, thankful that I, at 36, am just now having to deal with the death of someone I love at such a young age, in such a senseless way. Thankful that I have been lucky enough to NOT wreck my car when I was driving and very upset. Thankful that my boys have their Mama to hug and kiss each day. Thankful that I get to see them grow up one more day. Thankful that I have a husband who I love dearly, who loves me as well, and who I trust more than I trust myself. Thankful that I've always known how loved I am. Thankful for the 'breaks' and opportunities I've had in life. VERY thankful for having known and shared with August. So thankful for that last prayer we had together, and that she followed His leading to come to me that night. THAT I will hold in my heart forever, along with her last hug, and words: "Be careful. I love you."

The words "...and I'll cling to the old rugged cross..." have become more real to me over the past few months. I've been clinging to my Savior more than I ever have before, in a desperation I've never felt before. He is my Solid Rock and my hope when I don't know how I'm gonna put another foot in front of the other. His love lifts me up and fills me up. I'm so very thankful for the relationship I have with Him, more so than anything in this world, for if it wasn't for that....though I love my husband and sons so, so dearly....if it weren't for Jesus holding me up, I couldn't make it. I am powerless on my own.

I do feel better for having gotten all this out. Thank you if you read it, and I am sorry if it brought you down....know that it has helped me to look UP in hope!

1 comment:

dddiva said...

Prayers for you and your family as you struggle to adjust and find the blessings amongst the pain. *HUGS* We care.