Sunday, May 20, 2012

Feeling wounded

And this may not make much sense...but you know what?? I haven't blogged in over 5 months...just not feeling much like a writer there may not be anyone out there who even reads this anymore, and that is okay, because this is for ME. I think it is a combination of things.

I have recently--within the last year--reconnected with some people who 'knew' me when I was in high school, though we weren't close. Honestly, looking back, I think very few people 'knew' me back then, cause I didn't share and put myself out there like I am more apt to do now. I felt it was much more important to keep up appearances and show people what I thought they wanted me to be, and because of that, it was a real blow to everyone--including me--when the depression came to a head and I attempted suicide.

For the record, 23 years ago, on this very day, I was in the very throes of dealing with the aftermath of that attempted suicide. I was hospitalized in Greenleaf, a private psychiatric facility. And I have, within the last hour or so, had, for lack of a better term, flashbacks to that time of being hospitalized. I hate to even use that term, though, because it implies that what I am remembering is unpleasant, and that isn't entirely true. Yeah, there were some hard times there, but in a very real way, I owe the place a huge gratitude, because if I had not learned then and there about my chemical imbalance and propensity toward depression, then I wouldn't be where I am or who I am today.

 Anyway....I was trying to analyze WHY I am feeling so wounded right now. Contact with high school friends is great. NOT saying it isn't. Very blessed to have reaquainted myself with these people, and they are precious to me! The second catlyst?? Not sure that is right, but like I said, I'm writing this for me, so bugger off it it isn't, or keep rolling with that my eldest son visited Chattanooga over the last two days. Some of the places that he visited I haven't been back to since high school, so maybe that has to do with it.

 But if I am really honest with myself, I know exactly where it came from. Someone from that time period that I NEVER hear from left a comment on a post of mine on Facebook, and it shocked me and hurt me, and left me totally questioning myself. And that, frankly, ticks me off. You know what?? There are plenty of things that I read on Facebook that I don't love. If they are things that really disturb me or get on my nerves, I hide them from my news feed. If they really tick me off or are things I just don't want myself associated with, I defriend them. It is that stinkin' simple, folks. I don't go and say hurtful things to them about how no one wants to read what they are posting. That is uncalled for.

 Heaven knows I have to monitor what I put on Facebook due to working with the public and having people from all walks of life and all ages reading what I post. I don't go into political rants. I may like something I agree with politically here and there, but very, very, very rarely do I share it, because I know that I have friends that I respect that are on both sides of the aisle. There are things that make me think that I don't share, but I ponder them. But I keep it pretty personal. If people don't like that, well, so be it.

 I have over 2,000 friends on there. I try to keep up with those that I care about, but I miss things....important things. I was very saddened to realize that I had missed the entire pregnancy of a friend who has struggled with fertility. I was THRILLED to know that she had delivered a precious baby girl, but I lamented cause I could have been celebrating and praising God with her for 9 months!! But did I post something ugly because she didn't contact me personally and let me know?? Heck no!! Not my place, and I am not one of her closest friends. I celebrated with her, and moved on. When I have friends who post things I don't care to see, like them taking multiple pics of themselves in silly poses, do I go on there and ask them who wants to see them?? NOPE. Not my place. And it isn't nice. Why be unkind??

I'm sure I've made plenty of people roll there eyes, but people that care about me and are in a similar place as me respond in kind. It makes me feel as though I am not the only one who goes through whatever I have posted. Since I pretty closely monitor what I share about my life, and try not to whine repeatedly...though may not do a very good job of that, now that this person has so eloquently pointed out...(though there are days like I certainly could) I kind of feel like Facebook is my safe place. I am definitely rethinking that. I feel as though I have been exposed, though I also don't feel as though I have done anything wrong. Very conflicted in my emotions? You bet!!

 I try not to hurt people. Even those I may not care about. I TRY (and fail repeatedly) to be nice to people, even at times that I really don't want to. I feel as though that is how I can be Christ for others. So then it begs me to ask, how come other people don't try to practice that?? Especially those who also profess Christ?? Oh, what a huge can of worms I could open here about how people treat other people who differ from themselves in political, social and religious views....but you know what, I don't wanna!

 Maybe it is my work with small children that makes me want to just tell people to BE NICE. It isn't so hard. Just do it. If you treat people nicely, they treat you the same, or at least they think about their actions, hopefully. It seems pretty simple to me. And if you're going through a rough time or something, then try to consider that before you strike out at someone who is in no way related to what you are feeling. Again, truly not that difficult if you start trying to put it into practice. Just Friday, I had a bit of a panic. My first inclination was to go and ask someone else something about it. But on my way there, I realized that it was MY problem, and if a mistake had been made, it was totally MINE, no one else's. So I turned around and took care of it myself, and it worked itself out. There was no need in me upsetting someone else unnecessarily. And I'm so glad I didn't, cause this person would have probably felt attacked to a point, and it totally wasn't something in their control.

 I thought this person who posted something that was hurtful to me was a friend. Definitely not someone I talk to regularly, but I thought they actually had a tiny bit of care in them for me. And maybe they do. But it came across as judgmental. Maybe I will come back later and say, ooops, all a big misunderstanding. And I will let ya'll--whoever ya'll is--know if that is the case since I have poured my heart out about this here.

 But I needed to get this out. I needed to say that I try to be nice. I fail, I'm sure. I'm human. I am far from perfect, and certainly don't profess to be!! I TRY. I put forth my best effort as much as I can. I don't know how to end this....I still want to cry at the memories that have been dredged up over the past couple of hours, cause that time period in my life hurts. But I'm gonna also try my best to turn these raw and painful feelings and my desire to control them over to the Lord and move on and have a wonderful day with my family. If you read this diatribe, I thank you. Feel free to comment, as long as you don't say no one cares about what I feel. Cause then I might just have to bonk you on the head! ;) Love to any and all who read this.

1 comment:

Arty-Kat said...

I read this, Christi and was nodding and with you in every sentence. I can so relate to what you wrote. You aren't writing to the empty air- I read your blog now and I'm sure others do, too.

We met in Twitter (@arty_kat- used to be @pastorbear)