Sunday, May 18, 2008

I don't wanna!

I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. Now, granted, I remember and understand that is my last full week with my students and that it is going to be chock-full with fun activities. But I DO have a reason for not wanting to go!

On Friday, I attended probably the most frustrating meeting concerning a child that I have attended in the 12 years I've been teaching. In this meeting, a child's father wanted to deny his child any access to special education services. Basically, the child has a diagnosis that the parent doesn't like. So for some reason that I cannot even begin to fathom, he thinks that removing him from any and all services is magically going to make him able to do the work that he is struggling to do. This child, folks, is just NOT going to be able to do it. It is not going to happen, and this father is doing him such a disservice.

We, the others in the meeting, tried to explain to him why this was not in the child's best interest, but he basically had his stubborn mind made up. He claimed that he was going to go home and think about it, but we all knew that this probably means he's going to come back with the same plan. And there is nothing anyone can do to change his mind.

I did something in the meeting that I've never done. I was so frustrated, that as hard as I tried, I could not stop the tears from falling. I tried very hard to control my emotions, but it was just breaking my heart. This child is so precious, he tries so hard, and I can just see how frustrated he gets without his needed accommodations. I was not demonstrative in my tears flowing, but I know that everyone in the meeting saw. I left the meeting and went to one classroom with someone else in the meeting and cried. Then I went to look for my students (since this took place while I was supposed to be teaching) and cried on 2 other teachers and our guidance counselor. I was already planning on taking 1/2 day off to go to the aforementioned retreat. I am very thankful for that, because I felt so defeated at that point that I don't know how I could have taught.

But I just don't want to go back there tomorrow. I don't want to know that the dad has come back to do what he wants without considering the years of experience that were urging him to reconsider. I don't want to have to look at this child tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to do so without weeping again. I feel like I have failed him, though I know I have done all in my power that I can do.

But between that and disagreeing with a coworker over her decision to leave a child out of a field trip, I'm emotionally wrought out. I'm tired. I don't want to go through any more. I want the year to be over already. I want to sleep late and pee when I wish, and not have to worry about what I'm not doing right by my students for a while.

If you pray, please do so for me....I know that this will be okay, but I just simply do. not. want. to. do. it!

2 comments:

Mel's World said...

Christi, can I just tell you that when I get so frustrated that I just can't stand it anymore that I cry too. I totally do NOT like that, especially in the moment, but it's almost like a pressure valve that God put on us women right before we think we are about to BLOW!!!

I will be praying for you AND that child...sometimes we, as parents, have to step back from the situation and think things through more clearly.

Thanks for what you do...it is because of people like you that our children even have a chance!

xoxo,
Melissa

Shelle said...

I'm sorry...I wouldn't want to go either...sounds so overwhelming!