Thursday, March 6, 2008


Boy, I've gone through 'em this evening. And some of them wear me out just thinking about them! I saw some old yearbooks in the basement and brought them upstairs to look at them. That was pretty fun, looking at all of us in years past! It did bring back some rough memories, like pictures of the two friends we had die while we were at Emory. But seeing pics of good times were just that....good. I then went and got a drawer full of stuff that I put in there my senior year at Emory and have since moved several times! Lots of it needs to be tossed, but man....the memories. Memories of dates, memories of drunken times, memories of functions, memories of ex-boyfriends and the hurts they caused. I guess that is the thing that came back kind of raw tonight was the ex-boyfriend stuff.

It is evident that 15 years....15 YEARS! after he and I split up that it was such a defining moment in my life when I still avoid him. Last week he and his wife were at a restaurant where Robin and I were eating. We avoided them, and did so successfully, but the fact that I NEED to shows how deeply the situation hurt me.

First, let me get something straight. I do NOT still have feelings for him or wish that things turned out differently. I know that things are the way that the Lord intended, and looking back, he had many qualities and habits that would have been very difficult to live with. It was the way it ended, and the fact that I was so deeply depressed and didn't realize it, so much so that the breakup just about BROKE me, that brings up the hurt. I will never forget the pain and the heartwrenching despair I felt when he broke up with me, and how it didn't end for a long long time, truly for more than a year. I even dated someone basically on the rebound even though it was over a year and a half after we broke up. I dated the guy for as long as I did simply because he wanted me.

I had the first panic attacks I've had in years this past fall after his father died. It just brought up so many painful memories that I had two in one day, and they were totally unrelated to what I was doing at the time, I know. Scary!

And then there was stuff in there from G. too. I will always have a tender place in my heart for him. He was my first love. Truly, if we had met 10 years later, or even 5 years later, things might have been different. But I was NOT ready to settle down forever at 19! He really was a sweet guy, and from what I hear, he is doing well, other than the fact that he and his wife split up.

So many changes. So many people that you think you're going to be around forever. So many reasons that you aren't. I love my life and the people that surround me. I am VERY blessed, because I am surrounded by such uplifting, Godly people. My coworkers, truly, are the best. I love them so much, I could just do a post of the love and respect I have for them! And to have the wonderful family support and love I have as well is tremendous!

Ok, one little side house is a WRECK and I could almost guarantee that my inlaws will stop by sometime this weekend! What joy!! LOL Better get to cleaning, huh?!

One good thing about memories.....they are in the PAST and I don't have to relive them! And with that, I go to sleep.

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