Tuesday, July 21, 2009

It just gets old

It gets frustrating to have plans, and then be hit out of the blue by some physical symptom that leaves you not feeling like doing what you'd planned. I HAVE to go on during the school year, but when I didn't HAVE to go work at one of my schools today, I had to change the plans I'd shared with my 5 year old. He was disappointed, but with stomach cramps and runs to the restroom, I just didn't feel as though it was the most opportune of times to go try to get some work done. Then in comes Isaac from a day filled with fun at day camp, upset because I now say that we might not make it to the local slushie seller.

Yes, it makes me feel like crap to let them down. But you know what? I never asked for this crap called fibromyalgia. I didn't ask to fight anxiety, depression, pain, irritable bowel, and insomnia. I didn't want to feel like I'm 80 some days at 36.

Some days the logic in me flies away and I want to scream, "Why me?? What did I do to deserve this??" It was hard enough dealing with the depression from the age of 15 or 16. Add the rest of the crud to it and it is just NOT fun. Today, it is my elbows. Who has ELBOWS that hurt?? What in the world?? I cannot imagine how I might have strained my freakin' ELBOWS! It is insane.

When I've stood on my feet all day and they hurt, I get it. When I have pain due to lack of movement or stress, I get it. But what has brought this on today? Worrying about something? Nothing? The air being cooler than normal? Who freakin' knows?!

I try not to fuss. I am trying to improve my health by getting rid of bad habits and eating better and exercise, and by stopping when I feel my limits being reached. It is when I am doing those things and I STILL hurt that I start to get frustrated. It just stinks!

Love Chris' heart, his solution is to send me to the doctor. I went yesterday for a med check. There is nothing more they can do. I have to break down and take more meds even though they sometimes make me feel loopy, and otherwise I just have to tough it out. There's nothing more to do. I guess for a man, who just wants to fix his wife's problems, that is very frustrating too. I am so blessed to have him. I folded and sorted several loads of clothes today--yes, I'll readily admit I've been putting it off--and he put them away so I could play with (read: entertain) Adam since Isaac was gone to camp today. He's a sweetheart!

This isn't even what I was blogging about earlier today. But maybe that is what has contributed, me fighting that struggle. I don't know. Whatever it is, I just wish it would GO AWAY!

Until a better day and a better mood.....

3 comments:

Mel said...

I can relate to a certain degree i had plans this evening (a much needed help meeting) and the health service that provides help with my boys let me know 30 minutes before i was to leave that they would be canceling this evening. it is the 3rd time in 2 weeks and i just want to scream...

Hang in there I am praying, the frustration is there are times when life happens outside of your control...

Lisa B said...

I'm sure there is no way to know how you feel unitl someone is in your situation. Just know that you are in my prayers. Stay strong, love you!

Sue Andrus said...

I sure know how you feel, unfortunately.... I was dx'd with fibro nearly 3 yrs ago, after living with pain for years and having Drs say I was working too hard, or some other thing.... The diagnosis was a blessing, in that I finally knew what was going on with me, but learning to live with this is so frustrating at times. I had lived on so many pain pills for many years trying to keep working. Our business failed the year I found it was fibro, and I didn't look for a "real job". Pain has been much less without the physical work. I have been lucky lately with few really bad flares of pain, but the fatigue and roaming "pain of the day" can get me really down.

It is so great that you have a husband who understands... mine still doesn't totally "get it", but is making slow progress- I keep praying....

Thankfully when my sons were younger, I was able to push myself through the pain, etc.(probably because I HAD to, and the busier I am the less pain I feel). Now I have grandkids- 5yo GS, 1yo GD and I hate how I feel after (or even while) babysitting or playing with them. I'm only 47 and already a couch grandma at times. I also have the days where I feel totally worthless, when I need a nap an hour after I get up.... It really does get old! What bothers me the most is when I can't even get myself into my sewing studio to do any creating.... I used to escape with my art- painting, cutting and sewing fabric, but now the creativity just isn't there. What used to be my therapy, some days causes depression, etc.

Hope you don't mind the ramble here.... I am the other one with the elbow pain from twitter.... it really amazes me what can hurt... tops of my feet??? I don't walk on the tops of my feet! I don't know if this helps, but I have found that just knowing I'm not the only one out there has helped me to deal with things... I always seem to find someone dealing with something worse, and am thankful I don't feel worse that I do. During the bad flares, I just try to remember that so far they all have passed, and just because something works for one person, doesn't mean it will work for me.... we just have to find what works the best for us.

{{{{gentle hugs}}}} and prayers...
Sue A aka andrusgardens on twitter